erytheis:

The only time I ever feel properly myself is when I stand outside alone at night time

and I feel everything

mostly I will distract or deflect or dilute to get away from the sort of endlessness I feel and to be completely alone under the night sky is like confronting the truth of the situation like turning the whole way around and staring at it properly like allowing myself to feel the complete reach of my sadness and it’s so lonely and

I feel the entire agony of my existence and of being alive

I do not try to talk to someone or watch television or do internet things I force myself to feel the pain of it and the pain of it is huge but it feels so empty and eventually I feel so empty I cannot stand it anymore

I think I know who am I but I do not know what